I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
