I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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