You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize