I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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