no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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