your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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