I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
