They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
