There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
