Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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