I think i peed on brittanys purse
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize