I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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