she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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