I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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