Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
