his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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