Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
