so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize