Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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