I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
