Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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