you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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