You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
