I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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