my phone needs a breathalizer
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
