Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
