1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
