She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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