Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
