failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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