You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
