Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
