i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How external is "for external use only"?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize