why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
