If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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