took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
