Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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