Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
