I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
