I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize