She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
