Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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