I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize