"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
