I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
