Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
