We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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