I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
