when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
