well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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