i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
