This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's always time for handjobs
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
