ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
