The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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