Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
