got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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