your parents love me but you hate me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
